A Piece of the Puzzle.

It doesn’t matter how long we may have been stuck in a sense of our limitations. If we go into a darkened room and turn on the light, it doesn’t matter if the room has been dark for a day, a week, or ten thousand years — we turn on the light and it is illuminated. Once we control our capacity for love and happiness, the light has been turned on. I know that I have the ability to turn the light on and off. When you are in a darkened room there is no need to look at the flaws and imperfections that are plastered on the walls and covering the floors. But I will choose each day to turn on the light and be patient with myself as I clean up the imperfections that I see. Everyday. I choose to live.

Honesty is sometimes a good thing. However good it may be, it most definitely does not exist without its complications. I have been practicing my honesty skills lately, to be more specific I decided to practice those skills with the parental unit. The truth came more from frustration and a nudge from God, opposed to free will, but hey however it gets across right? They were pretty shocked to hear the things I needed to say, and have needed to for the past few months, and a few things came out of that.

First and foremost I received their support. Something that I was hesitant about and did not think existed.

Second I received a set of accountability partners that are sure to drive me to the brink of insanity, further more than I am already.

Thirdly I received news that I will be returning to a treatment facility. Woohoo right? This is where things get a bit sticky (for lack of better terms.) There are a great deal of things that once again I will be giving up. This time I will not be going to River Centre. I am not sure where I will be going, as soon as that is determined I will share. The current struggle is one with finances. Insurance is just a pain in the ass. period. I am tired, and emotionally drained. Not to mention I have finals to focus my attention to. I have been struggling to devote any time to that what so ever. I just desire to be okay.

I guess the point of this post is just to ramble, and get out my frustrations. But most importantly I need prayer, that things with my finances will work out, and that this time will be the last time. I am leaning on God to get me through.

So despite the fact that this week has been extremely exhausting, many good things have come out of it! I began the process of being productive in an attempt to finish up the remainder of the school year. Key word began, but hey it’s a start! I scheduled classes for next semester, then it dawned on me that I still needed to apply for the Social Work program, which I did. I am pleased to inform everyone that I was indeed accepted! Woot woot for that! And probs the most exciting thing that has happened to me this week is the start of a relationship.. :) Although it is not official, it definitely looks to be promising. Alright, well enough about that.. Can’t disclose too much information too quickly!

I am super pumped for this weekend! Going to be busy, but have some me time (which also includes Wil in a trip to the zoo. Hopefully he is not afraid of the animals this time) Es el cumpleaños de mi madre los Domingos! Muy bueno!! We are going to get sushi, which is one of my favorites at the moment. Super stoked!

And on a final note I have put a great deal of thought into the struggles we endure. How many times have I said I have always been this way, therefore I will always be this way? I have definitely used it one too many times. It could be beneficial in the sense of knowing what you can expect and preparing your way for a battle you may face. But on the other hand it could be devastatingly detrimental if it is used as an excuse to not try and change things. Regardless of what stance I choose to take the fact is that the statement “I have always been, therefore I will always be” is complete bologna. Let us use physics as an example as to why that statement is wrong. Newton declared that an object will stay in motion in a constant state of velocity unless acted on by another object… right? So true. Props to Sir Isaac. Same concept can be applied to life. Crap is going to continue to be crappy unless you do something about it. So that is my plan. No more excuses. I have the power cause I have Isaac Newton on my side. Not only do I have him, but most importantly I have God.

Keep it real guys. And keep in mind that an average raindrop falls at 17 miles per hour. So make sure you have your umbrellas ready for those rainy days.

Feeling rather random. The sky is blue, my jacket is green, and I am enjoying the sights and sounds of the Student Union on a Tuesday at 5pm, while happily sipping a fresh brewed coffee from Starbucks.

It is much needed coffee. Exhaustion doesn’t even sum up how I feel currently. School, life, people, expectations, gah! I am hanging on to something, not really sure what, but at least it is there. I am overwhelmed by the consequences in my current life, and with a pessimistic attitude things do not seem to be loo .king up, not that I should expect them to.

Leslie is still in the hospital, which is definitely taking more of a toll on me than expected. Crohn’s disease is an ugly thing. I am bombarded with guilt and sorrow for what she is going through, and the thought that put myself through the grief on a daily basis that she has no choice but to face for life.

Speaking of my poor decisions… I feel like a lost puzzle piece. I know there is something missing, but I have no idea where to find it. Things are not looking very good for the time being.. My body is now paying me back for the two years of hell that it has endured. Physical complications are becoming more prevalent and I am sick and tired of being sick and tired. But the worst thing is that I have managed to put myself in a position where I feel like I can not turn around. At least not as quickly as I wish I could. Complications require action that push me right back onto the sick cycle carousel. I need to stop paying to ride.

I think there may be a relationship on the horizon.. **spoiler alert** more to come on that topic in future posts :))

I have decided that a majority of accountability is crap. Not really sure what to do with that new found knowledge.

Let me wrap this up with I am done with school. This current post is aiding me in the procrastination of several papers I need to be focusing energy toward, but I do not really have the energy to do so. Ha! Story of my life. It’ll get done though.

Keep it real. And remember: in the next seven days, 800 people will be injured by their jewelry.

Can I just say that people are ridiculous. I mean seriously. I cannot even express the amount of frustration I feel in my heart for the life of a thirteen year old child. I did what I needed to do, but we need a shock to the system. Something needs to happen, not only for her, but for us all.

If we could just open our squinted eyes we would see that God is all around us. So lets wake up people! Live the life we are meant to. Let us stop counting failures, worries, calories, heart breaks, mistakes, and short comings. Instead let us count the reasons why we are made for something more than this. Let us count our heartbeats, our laughs, the moments we love, and every great and glorious gift from God.

Join together Church! This world is hurting. Let us be the true hands and feet of Jesus.